HOW CAN I GO ON
by ncsupnatfan
Summary: Set at the finale of season 8, but Sam finishes the trials, my thoughts on how Dean feels. A one shot, hope you enjoy.


No one in the town knew exactly when the young stranger showed up in their town. He was seen at the diner, the country store, the bar and walking around Main Street. It being a small town, everyone knew everyone else and was wary of strangers. Gossip spread quickly and he was the new hot topic of the town.

Everyone knew he was staying at the little motel at the edge of town and he drove a shiny, black, muscle car, '67 Chevy Impala. The motel owner had told the diner owner he had registered as Steven Young, he kept to himself, really didn't socialize with anyone.

The bartender commented at the diner, he had been in couple of times, had a couple of shots and beer and then left. Didn't talk to anyone, never picked up on the women who hit on him, much to their disappointment. The bartender said there seemed to be an air of deep, deep sadness and sorrow hanging over him; he never could get a conservation going with him to find out anything else.

Everyone knew each morning he would go to the diner for a large coffee and a newspaper. He would walk over to the park and read the paper while drinking his coffee. Some days he would add a Danish or egg sandwich to the mix, but not very often.

-o-

Dean pushed the door to the country store open and frowned as the bell jingled above his head. He shuffled on in the store and grabbed a basket for the few items he needed to buy. He picked up some jerky, peanut butter, crackers, bread, microwaveable meals, and a six pack of beer.

The cashier watched him walk up the aisle, pausing at the candy to toss in a couple candy bars before continuing to the front. He sat his basket on the counter and waited to be rung up.

"Hello, how are you today?" he asked Dean.

"Ok." Dean mumbled quietly keeping his eyes downcast.

"Did you find everything you needed?"

"Yes."

"That will be twenty-eight fifty-seven for you today." he told him bagging his items in plastic bags.

Dean pulled out thirty dollars and passed it to the man waiting for his change. He picked up his purchases, nodded to the man and headed back out the door.

-o-

An elderly woman was making her way down the sidewalk, using her cane for balance. She glanced down to her purse and didn't see Dean as he exited the store, who was not really looking where he was going either.

Dean grabbed onto the body that he bumped so the person wouldn't fall. He looked down into the intelligent, sparkling, blue eyes of an older woman.

"Excuse me, ma'am." he spoke softly not letting go until he was sure she was stable.

"My fault, I wasn't looking where I was going young man." she smiled up into his face as she gained her balance. "My, you are a tall one." she continued holding onto his arm.

"Are you ok?" he asked giving her a quick once over.

"Oh, I'm fine, takes more than a bump to stop me. You must be new around here; I don't remember seeing you before."

"Yes ma'am."

She scanned his face carefully and saw how pinched and sad it looked. This young man had been through something very life changing recently and had not moved past it yet. She felt a connection with him for some unknown reason. Maybe it was her motherly instincts kicking, but she felt she needed to help him.

"Are you going to be here long?"

"Don't know." he said looking down the street, wanting to leave, but not wanting to be impolite to her.

"Would you by chance be looking for some work? My name's Cora May, but most just call me Corrie."

"Maybe." he answered turning back to her. "Dean."

"I'm not as spry as I use to be, can't do the work around the house as easily anymore. That's what you get when you get old." she chuckled to herself. "It's manual work, yard work, few house repairs, that sort of thing. Can't pay much, but I can let you stay in the little guest house out back for free." she offered.

Dean stood there for a moment as he mulled this over in his head. He weighted his options before answering her. A place to stay for free would help his situation and to earn a little money wouldn't be too bad.

"Alright." he agreed.

"Wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Now if you will help me to my car, I'll give you directions to my place and you can gather your things and come on over. Mind you, you might have to clean a little, but it's a cozy little place." she talked as she held onto this arm and led him to her car.

Dean was surprised when she stopped beside a vintage 1967 Ford Mustang, cherry red. The car was spotless and looked like it just came off the assembly line.

"Nice wheels." he commented running a hand over the top of he car with respect.

"Thank you, my late husband bought it for me I guess nearly thirty years ago, birthday present. I don't drive it much, just enough to keep the battery charged." she replied pulling keys from her purse and opening the door. "Let me get you my name and address." she told him picking up an envelope from the other seat. She handed him the envelope and Dean looked down at the address thoughtfully.

"I'm on the northwest side heading out of town. There's a mailbox with bluebirds painted on it, just follow the drive, I'm back a ways from the main road."

"Ok."

"I'll be expecting you for dinner, I eat at six." she added before cranking up the car and backing up to leave.

Dean listened to the rumble of the engine as it headed down the road. He looked back down at the envelope again before shoving it in his jacket pocket. He made his way down the street and back toward the motel. It wouldn't take him long to pack up his meager belongings and check out of the motel.

-o-

The house was not what he was expecting as he pulled around the circular drive. It was a one story, brick and stucco with a large front porch. He could tell it had been taken care of, but needed a little lovin' care given to it. There were weeds growing in the numerous flower beds, grass needed cutting, paint was peeling around a couple of windows, but nothing major seemed wrong.

Dean parked his car and walked up to the front door and rang the bell. He looked around more as he waited for an answer. He could hear movement on the other side of the door as Corrie pulled it open.

"Good, you're here in time to help me take a few things out to the guest house." she said motioning him inside.

Dean could smell the aromas of something good cooking as he followed her down a hall to a large kitchen/dining room area.

"Here, you take these and I'll show you around." she said piling his arms with towels, blankets, sheets, pillows and other odds and ends.

Corrie lead the way out a back door onto a screened in back porch and out another door to the back yard. Across from the main house sat a cottage right out of a story book. She led Dean to the house and unlocked the door. They stepped into a large living room decorated in a simple, comfortable rustic theme. He stopped for a moment taking in the room.

"This is the living room, bring those things back here." she called walking toward the back of the room to a small hall. "This is your bedroom and across here is the bathroom." she pointed out.

Dean walked into a spacious bedroom with a queen size bed. There was a large dresser against one wall and a comfortable chair sitting in front of a window. He laid the things from his arms down on the unmade bed. He saw a closet through a partly open door.

"You'll have to set the breakers for the hot water heater and the heat and a/c unit. I've kept them turned off since it wasn't being used."

Following her back out of the bedroom, Dean looked in the bathroom door amazed at the size. He hurried to catch up with Corrie as she showed him the small kitchen and dining area.

"Here is the breaker box and this space can be used for storage." she continued her tour of the house.

Pausing long enough to flip all the breakers, Dean glanced at the empty shelves and space in the room. This place was amazing! It was so much more than he thought he deserved. A place like this, he could get use to, the peace and tranquility of it seemed to bring a sense of calmness to him.

"I have a couple of girls from town come twice a month to clean my house and they clean this once a month. They were here a few weeks back, so if you need any cleaning supplies, broom, vacuum cleaner, washer and dryer, help yourself to whatever I have at the house."

"Thank you." he whispered looking around the place. "It's just what I need."

"I'll leave you to get unpacked and settle in, remember dinner at six sharp." she smiled patting his arm motherly. "You can pull your car around here and use the car port at the side of the house if you like."

Corrie walked out of the cottage with the help of her cane and made her way to the main house. She paused at one of the flower beds and smelled one of the roses. She was already making a list of chores for Dean to do that she was not able to do anymore. It was going to be nice to have a young person around to look after.

-o-

After pulling the car around to the cottage, Dean grabbed his bags out of the back and carried them into the cottage. Looking around, he tried to decide what to do first. He found a linen closet beside the bathroom and put the towels, hand towels extra sheets and wash cloths in it. He moved the other things off the bed and made it up.

Pulling out his clothes, he made two piles, one clean, the other dirty. His hand paused on a tee-shirt that he recognized as one of Sam's. Tears sprang to his eyes as he rubbed a hand over them and he pushed the pain and sorrow back down before folding the shirt and putting it in the top dresser drawer. Dean wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his shirt before picking up dish towels and heading for the kitchen. The kitchen was furnished with anything he would need, from coffee pot to toaster, dishes, silverware, glasses, cups, pots and pans.

He turned the water on checking to see if he had hot water yet. He wanted to take a shower before going over to Corrie's for dinner, at least try to make a good impression. It was warm, but not quiet hot enough for a shower. Dean found a pen and paper and starting making a food list to pick up when he got back to town. He still wouldn't need much but with a full fridge he could pick up extra and not have to deal with the public as much.

Corrie was putting the last bowl on the table when Dean knocked at the back door.

"Come on in son, what would you like to drink?"

"Anything is fine." he assured her taking the seat she pulled out.

"I hope you like chicken, this is one of my favorite." she said sitting a glass of sweet tea in front of him.

"Are you getting settled in?"

"Yes ma'am." he answered before sipping his tea.

"Please just Corrie, I feel old enough as it is." she told him as she began to pass the food to him.

Dean's eyes grew big as he saw the amount of food she had cooked for just the two of them. Everything smelled delicious as he spooned out some from each bowl.

"What brought you to our little town?"

"Passing through, decided to stop for a few days."

"Well I'm glad you did. You're a God sent; I needed some strong arms to help me get this place back in shape. Hope you're not afraid of getting dirty."

"No ma'am, I mean Corrie." Dean corrected giving her a small hint of a smile.

Corrie watched this young man wondering what his story was. She had never seen someone seem so broken and in so much pain. She could see it in his eyes, he had seen more in his short life than most people see in a lifetime. His green eyes were dull and unemotional with dark circles under them. It seemed the life had drained out of his body, leaving a shell of who he used to be. She was determined to help this suffering soul any way she could.

Dean helped her clear the table and put away the food before heading back to the cottage. He told her he would be over in the morning to see where she wanted him to start. She replied there would be breakfast waiting for him, to come on over at eight.

-o-

A scream woke Dean and he realized he had been the one who cried out. He washed a hand down his face feeling the sweat dripping down his neck. Swallowing back the lump in his throat, Dean laid there trying to calm is pounding heart. He hadn't slept through the night since it had happened. That had been nearly a month now. The open wound on his soul was still raw and bloody. He knew there would be no more sleep tonight and rolled to a sitting position on the side of the bed.

-o-

Dean opened the screen door and stepped onto the porch. Corrie had the table set and was carrying food out.

"Dean, how did you sleep?" she asked carrying out a plate of bacon.

"Fine." he lied taking the plate and putting it on the table. "Can I get anything else for you?"

"There's some eggs and toast to bring out." she replied noticing how red his eyes looked.

"Sit, I'll get it." he said pulling out a chair for her.

"Thank you, such a gentleman." she said sitting and letting him get the rest of the food for her. After he got seated, she started, "I guess you can start with mowing the grass, there's a riding lawnmower in the garage, weed eater, whatever you might need."

"Ok." he said taking a bite of eggs and bacon.

"You don't over do it either, everything doesn't need to be done in one day and you make sure you drink plenty of water." she cautioned.

"Yes ma'am." he rewarded her with a brief smile that never quiet made it to his eyes.

-o-

Dean finished his meal and headed to the garage to check out the equipment. He had only used a riding mower once, so he hoped there wouldn't be any problems. After raising the garage door, he checked the gas tank and looked it over before starting it up. Being careful, he pulled it out and onto the lawn. After a couple of tries, he got the mower head down and began to drive back and forth over the lawn.

An hour later, he saw Corrie waving at him and pulled the mower up and turned it off. She handed him a bottle of water and a towel to wipe his face. He thanked her and gulped down half the bottle letting the cold water sooth his dry throat. He shed a shirt and went back to mowing. He finished the front and headed to the back to finish it up.

Weed eating took him the rest of the morning, but after he was done, he stood back and admired his work. The lawn looked good. After lunch, he was going to work in the flowerbeds cleaning out the weeds. If she wanted, he would run into town and get some mulch to replenish the beds. It felt good to work with his hands and threw himself into these chores. The manual labor kept his mind off of other painful memories he was trying hard to push down into the back recesses of his mind.

-o-

"Son, you did a good job, it's not look this good in a while." Corrie complimented Dean as he finished the sandwich she had made for him for lunch.

"If you want, I can go pick up some mulch to go in the flowerbeds after I weed them."

"That's a good idea. You can take the truck and I have an account with Hudson. I'll call him and they'll have them out front for you."

"Sounds good."

"Let me get you the keys. If you think I need anything else go ahead and pick it up." she said handing him keys to the truck.

"Ok. I'll be back in a few." he said getting up and going outside to count the beds and decide how many bags he would need before heading to the hardware store.

-o-

Dean stood and brushed the dirt from his jeans letting out a sigh to see what he had accomplished. The weeds were gone and new mulch clothed the beds. The flowers seemed brighter in color and taller, like they wanted to shine now.

"Lordy, son, you put in a full day of labor and I have to say, it never looked better. Why don't you go get cleaned up, the sun will be setting soon, it's my favorite time of day when darkness claims it right to be seen."

"Ok." he agreed heading to the cottage and a hot shower. His body was sore and tired, but it felt good, it was a good sore. He hadn't felt this way in a long time; he almost didn't recognize the feelings. He had calmness about him that had not been there before.

-o-

The night was clear and one by one the twinkle of the stars began to appear in the ebony sky. Dean sat on a bench in the flower garden between the house and cottage and looked up at the vastness of the Heavens. He agreed with Corrie, this was a nice time of day.

Corrie walked toward him watching him closely. She didn't want to disturb his thoughts as he gazed up at the stars and wiped his eyes quickly when he saw her standing there.

"Mind if I join you?"

"No." he said trying not to let his voice crack.

"Son, you don't have to answer me, but blame it on an old woman's nosey nature, you've lost someone close to you recently haven't you?" she asked laying a warm hand on his bare arm.

Dean's face paled slightly as his eyes showed a hint of fear. He swallowed hard not sure what to say.

"I see it in your eyes and face; I know because I had the exact same look when I lost my dear husband so many years ago. You may not believe it, but it does help to talk to someone, I know you don't me, and I don't know you, but I know you are hurting."

Dean clutched his arms around his body to hold himself as his body began to tremble and the ache and pain began to build in him. His began to pant as the sorrow worked its way out of his body. Sobs began to shake his body as tears blurred his vision and dripped off his face.

Corrie put a comforting arm around his trembling shoulders as she saw this young man break down and let the pent up emotions he had been holding in surface and come out. Tears filled her eyes and leaked out as she tried to comfort this poor, lost soul.

-o-

He felt washed out and weak as his lost washed over him, dragging him so far down he didn't think he could find his way back. Somewhere a soft female voice was whispered comforting words to him. Another familiar male voice spoke to him telling him it was ok, he would be alright, to talk to her, she was a good woman and would understand.

With a trembling hand Dean wiped the tears from his eyes to only have them replaced with more. He drew in a shaky breathe as he tried to find his voice.

"Yes..." he finally got out. "I-I did lose someone, my brother...my baby brother." he stammered.

"I'm so sorry." she whispered squeezing his hand. "Would you like to talk about it?"

After taking several deep breaths and calming his voice he began to speak.

"His name was Sam, Sammy, and he died saving the world. He was the best brother anyone could have. Don't get me wrong, he made his mistakes and had his faults, but he would have died for me and I for him." Dean started. He looked over in Corrie's face and saw encouragement and caring. "Our lives, well they were anything but normal. You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you about it, most people wouldn't. From the day that he was brought home from the hospital, I felt like I had to protect him, take care of him, keep him safe. Our mom died when I was four and Sammy was six months. I pretty much raised him from then on, we were on the road with our father most of our lives. It was hard, but I did what I could to make his life good."

Dean tried hard not to get too detailed about supernatural things, not sure how Corrie would take that. He was afraid she would think him crazy and ask him to leave.

"You're not telling me everything are you?"

He looked over at her for a moment and said, "No."

"It's ok, I won't judge and you can't shock me, I been around for eighty-four years and I've seen a lot in my day."

"Probably not this, our mother was killed by a demon."

Corrie stiffened for a second and then looked closely at Dean to be sure he was not joking. She frowned slightly as she thought about what he said.

"Demon, like in the Bible?"

"Yeah, they possess people and take them over, sometimes they kill the host and other times leave them alive. Evil s.o.b.s, my Dad started hunting it to kill it for killing our Mom. He found out there are monsters out there in the world. He became a hunter and started hunting them and saving people. He trained my brother and me to be hunters too. Our lives...most people wouldn't believe me if I told them about it. My brother completed three trials from God and closed the gates of hell. He sent every evil bastard back to hell, but in doing this it killed him. He knew he was going to die and did it anyway. He did it for me, so I would be proud..." Dean's voice cracked and new tears rolled down his wet cheeks. "I had the bravest little brother in the world. I had never been more proud, I just hope he knows it."

"Honey, I know he does, why he's up there looking down on you right now, smiling, knowing you love him very much. He knows you're hurting, but I don't think he would want you to let in consume you."

"How can I go on? He was my life; I don't know what to do. Everyone I cared about is gone now, it's just me and I don't know if I can do it much longer. It's so damn hard trying to go through each day knowing I'll not being seeing Sammy come walking in."

"Son, the moment I saw you, I saw someone special. You're not alone, Dean. I'm here and if you want to tell me more about your brother and you, I'll be here to listen. You are a strong person, don't sell yourself short. I won't tell you a lie; you're going to have good days and bad days. At first there'll be more bad than good, but you can't give up. I don't think your brother would want that. I think he would want you to mourn him, cry for him, but never give up. He would want you to live, to move forward with your life."

Dean looked down at her hand and place his hand on hers squeezing it gently. He drew in a deep breath and contemplated the words of wisdom she spoke to him.

"We use to park out in an open field on clear nights, drink a beer and watch the stars for hours...We wouldn't need to talk...It was just the two of us against the world..." Dean remembers smiling as he looked up at the stars letting those memories flood his heart with happiness. He believed her; somewhere up there his baby brother was looking down on him and smiling. A gentle breeze blew between the buildings and seemed to whisper in his ear, '_I'll always be with you big brother.' _Dean smiled softly looking back up at the stars thinking they looked brighter and more numerous than before. His little brother would always be with him in a special place in his heart.

**The End**

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**A/N: Thanks for reading my what if this happened story. Please review if you liked and let me know. It what keeps me writing NC**


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